Letter 02: female friendships and hackathons
The beauty of acceptance and understanding within female friendships
Dear Readers,
This week’s love letter is for all my female friendships—the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. And this weekend, during the VenusHacks I participated with my girlies, I felt the embodiment of the love girls have for one another. It was a beautiful reminder for me to look back and reflect on the appreciation I have for all the women around me.
Reflections and Takeaways:
Quote of the Week:
Girls love each other like animals. There is something ferocious and unself-conscious about it. We don't guard ourselves like we do with boys. No one trains us to shield our hearts from each other. With girls, it's total vulnerability from the beginning. Our skin is bare and soft. We love with claws and teeth and the blood is just proof of how much. It's feral.
And it's relentless.Leah Raeder’s Black Iris
In my mind’s eye:
Not to be corny, but my mummy was my first best friend, and it was because of her love and our quite unique (when it comes to South Asian standards) mother-daughter relationship that my adoration and love for women stemmed from. My mummy was the standard for female friendships to me before I met any other person close to my age. She had me when she was only 21. Being so close to age helped cultivate a much better understanding of one another, but I also believe my mother actively broke many generational trauma cycles with the love and freedom she bestowed upon me. This not only helped her but also allowed me to see and experience a healthier, more nurturing way of life.
As a child, and even as a pre-teen, I believed the love she showed me was the kind that existed in the hearts of all girls and women. This belief was embodied itself when, in 3rd grade, I was made to sit beside a boy for the first time. I remember, clear as day, how my envious glances towards the girls sitting together made my eyes well with tears which turned to heaving sobs caused by my dramatic nine-year-old self. I quite literally had a breakdown during the whole seating change process. I cried so much that my class teacher was peer-pressured to let me sit beside a girl. The sobbing seized and comfort engulfed me. It wasn't that I hated the boy or the gender; I just always wanted to be around girls because 1) my mom made that relationship so safe and nurturing that I automatically sought anyone who looked like her or, in this case, shared the same gender, and 2) I loved talking about pink and anything girly, whether it was books, movies, cartoons, anything. The boys never validated that. They were busy teasing us back then or simply didn’t care about Barbies or princesses.
There is no denying that when you draw near the age of 12, the evolution of female friendships is often at its lowest, and its worst. With puberty comes self-consciousness, and the need for validation to act as a defense mechanism for that hyper-awareness we start having for our flaws. That validation often revolves around appearance, and in more misogynistic environments, it is typically sought from men. The best friend you once cherished and vowed to stand by forever becomes the person you envy, as the boy you like prefers her instead. So, you either try to drag her down, or you drag yourself down because now your insecurities are reinforced. Female friendships went from being genuine to competitive during those ages, even manipulative.
While I didn't have many crushes myself, I observed a troubling pattern among the friendships of those around me. I noticed a decline in female friendships, often exacerbated by the dynamics with boys. Boys often added salt to injury, as their disdain for girly things was now infecting the female spectrum. Many girls, eager to be liked by their crushes, would join in on mocking or judging other girls for being too gossipy or girly. As a result, these girls not only sacrificed their friendships but also suppressed their true selves and interests. This reflects a sad reality of the teenage girl experience, where the desire for acceptance can lead to the loss of authentic connections and self-expression.
Despite all the drama back in high school, the tenderest memories I have of each of my girl friends, whether they eventually betrayed me or hurt me, are still about the kindness they showed me at least once. This doesn’t mean I would become friends with them again or even want them in my life now, but I can still appreciate the joy they brought me, even if only for a fleeting moment.
We were still growing up, and we were girls together, all navigating that painfully awkward stage of life. Maybe they were mean to me most of the year, but to this day, I am grateful for those moments when they didn’t hesitate to lend me a sanitary pad or when we laughed and shared food during tiffin break.
//My best friend, Nashitaat, dedicated the song "Dorothea" to me, making me love it so much more deeply. That gesture, among others, left a lasting impression on my heart.
I never think badly of the female friendships I lost. At some point, even if just for a second, they were all I needed and had. They shaped me, teaching me about the complexities of friendship and the nuances of human kindness. They taught me to reflect and appreciate the moments I am living through now.
I did have an immense regret from back in High School: my shyness often prevented me from expressing the love and adoration I felt for my friends. The only way I could show my care, which eventually led to me being taken advantage of, was by sharing my notes. Although I had so much more to offer, my interactions never exceeded that of formality. This left me feeling both sad and used.
Now in college, I strive to cultivate my friendships in a way similar to how my mom did for me, and it has brought me nothing but genuine joy. This past weekend, my best friends—Grace, Jamie, Hannah—and I participated in our very first hackathon together. While we dreamed of winning, our primary goal was to create something we cared about and to celebrate our friendship one last time before Grace and Jamie graduate less than a month from now.
Despite our project being quite hard to develop, and there were many moments where we were quite literally zoning out due to frustration and agony, it never felt bad. Being with my girls, they brought light to every situation, making me laugh even when I felt like crying. Normally, I feel the pressure to perform well, but with them, it didn’t feel like the end-all, be-all. It genuinely felt like a fun hangout, albeit a tiring one. Nonetheless, we did not have to sell our souls for this and still managed to come second place amongst 300-ish participants. Together, just the four of us, we were able to create a highly functional and practical application aimed at ensuring the safety and security of everyone who visits us. We wanted to give back to ourselves and other girls, addressing a concern that is all too real. Every girl at the hackathon could deeply understand and appreciate our project. Although it’s a sad reality we face, their genuine appreciation and uplifting words boosted our confidence as developers and made us feel truly seen. Their support was a powerful reminder of the bond we share and the importance of looking out for one another.
Besides that, more than the joy of winning, it was the uplifting and appreciative words from fellow students who truly understood and valued our software that made the experience worthwhile. The laughs and giggles I shared with my friends were priceless, far outweighing any trophy or accolade. Those moments of genuine connection and joy with my friends made the entire experience unforgettable. Those were the times I felt truly grateful to be alive and be here.
These three brilliant and beautiful girls, along with all the other incredible women I've met throughout my college career, have given me moments I wish to document and cherish for the rest of my life. These are the memories that, even on my darkest days, make me smile and remind me to appreciate simply existing. With them, I get to talk about lighter and more normal things in life, and their presence fills my heart with genuine love and joy. They have shown me the true essence of friendship, making every moment spent together precious and unforgettable. From just talking about the struggles with period cramps, to celebrating all our small to big victories, female friendships have and will always be my haven. The emotional depth and understanding while balancing the technicalities is something we understand and appreciate within each other. It is as if a comforting shield we women have created for one another. It's as if we inherently understand each other, bringing a profound sense of peace. This unspoken relatability and mutual nurturing create a strong, supportive bond among all the women I have had the pleasure of being acquainted too.
With all that being said, my journey through female friendships is one so close and dear to my heart that I wish to reminisce and remember every single account I have of it. So, I just wanted to dedicate a whole love letter to it. :)
Weekly Digest:
Pages and Screen:
Bookshelf: It was Old Friend by Freya Manfred that urged me to type out this week’s letter. Most of the time, I seek inspiration from X (formerly known as Twitter), Pinterest, or The New Yorker. Luckily, as I waited outside the hackathon room for my friends, a poem popped up while I was scrolling through X. It was perfect, looking back, as it kept resurfacing in my mind over the three days, finally pushing me to write. The poem beautifully captures the nostalgia of old friends and the fateful encounters we have with them. It's as if God, or whatever higher power you believe in, was guiding them closer, our souls knowing we were destined to meet. Each encounter brought us together. It speaks to the experience of missing them and the fear of losing our memories of them as life goes by. We can only hope that even though they may no longer be physically present, their nostalgia and memories remain pleasant and intact.
Article Insights: This week, unfortunately, I was not able to dedicate much time to reading. However, I was able to read one whole article and would love to give shout out to some other substack pages for their beautiful writing:
On the Screen:
Video Essays: Unfortunately, again, I had little to no time to do much watching or reading this week. However, I am more than happy to recommend older videos I have watched, especially on brand for this letter, enjoy!
Film Corner: For now nothing, but it will all change tonight as based on popular demand, I will be watching La La Land for the first time ever! So, hopefully, I will have something more to share next week.
Tech Talk: This weekend was my biggest learning curve with techstacks, frameworks, and API! For our VenusHacks product, we created SafeCircle, an application that is a one-stop shop for all the safety and security measures a person might need, especially when in danger, or just feeling a little iffy while walking at night.
What it Does
Safe Circle enhances personal safety by offering real-time location tracking, seamless contact syncing, and a user-friendly interface. It helps users stay connected with trusted contacts and ensures they can quickly share their location in emergencies. With live routing and tracking, the application can send the current route and location of the user if they deviate or are in danger. Additionally, our application uses geolocation to update information about emergency resources based on the user's location. This comprehensive approach ensures that users have access to the support and information they need, wherever they are.
How We Built It
We built Safe Circle using React Native for cross-platform compatibility, ensuring a seamless user experience on both iOS and Android devices. Google Firebase provides a robust backend for real-time data handling and authentication. We used Expo to streamline the development process and facilitate rapid testing. The Google Maps API enables precise location tracking, and we integrated contact sync functionality to make it easy for users to connect with their trusted contacts.
What We Learned
Through this project, we gained a deeper understanding of mobile development, particularly in handling real-time data and ensuring cross-platform compatibility. We learned how to optimize performance while maintaining a seamless user experience, and we improved our skills in troubleshooting complex integration issues. The project underscored the importance of user-centric design and the need for rigorous testing to deliver a reliable safety tool.
Built With
expo.io, firebase, google-maps, react-native, javascript, html, css
GitHub Repo Link
Figma Design
Arts and its Various Forms:
Visual Art:
Auguste Toulmouche’s Reluctant Bride Thinking about female friendships also led me to reflect on the darker side of being a woman, particularly as a South Asian Bangladeshi woman. Many times, not just women but young girls are taken away from their girlhood, families, and friends and forced to marry older men or strangers to save face and uphold family values. The Reluctant Bride perfectly depicts and encapsulates a woman in reluctance, anger, and agony, being forced to do something against her will but still complying, knowing that any single trigger could make her explode, even with all the nurturing and doting her female companies do for her, she is beyond that.
Songs that Sing to My Heart: This week’s focus was on coding and spending a lot of time in research, and academia. So, usually, during those times, classical music is my go-to. So, here is my playlist for that:
Fashion (and Makeup + Perfume) Insights:
Fashion: For spring, especially spring in California, my wardrobe is extremely breezy and light. Usually, I opt for T-shirts, especially a little oversized or baby tees. For bottoms, some baggy jeans, white trousers, and definitely long skirts. Besides that, I do love midi dresses, especially ones from Brandy Melville. My go-to stores for this time around are Brandy Melville (online and in-person), Cider (online), and Pacsun (online and in-person).
Make-Up: Again, extremely light and minimalistic makeup routine for Spring. However, I do have a new favorite blush shade, and it is perfect according to my Dark Winter color analysis: YSL NU LIP & CHEEK BALMY TINT.
Perfume:
Lessons learned: This weekend’s Hackathon experience also taught me an important lesson as a developer: my ideas are never impossible. With a good support system, talented people within that support system, and a willingness to endure lots of trials and errors, anything is achievable.
Thank you so much for reading!
With love,
f.h.
I love how I get to experience your nitty bitty POVs from these writings
love this!!